Sunday, January 14, 2018

Now What?

To long for something that doesn't exist is to allow oneself to pursue an insatiable desire, to yearn for an image or a glimpse--a mere fragment of the mind. It is to throw oneself into a suffering for which no foreseeable end exists. It is to dissociate from the tangibility and satisfaction of reality. Acquiring a mortgage for a daydream can be nothing but detrimental to a person's mental health, not to mention her wallet. It drives her into the depths of isolation where the thoughts are the clearest and the imagination does its best impression of reality. She leaves herself to dwell in solitude, attempting to muster up a realistic simulation of what she could not conjure in real life.

The issue is fear. She's afraid, for whatever reason, to produce a tangible version of her fantasies. Instead she chooses to to hide away. Cowering in the corner, she defaults to existing in an environment that can't hurt or disappoint or anger her. And even when she's perfected this environment, even when she's surrounded herself with art that tells every story she wishes were real or literature so lifelike that it makes her heart ache, she still feels this weight. The kind of weight that results from gravity pulling as hard as it can, pawing around for something that just isn't there.

Part of her, the part that's responsible for the tingling in the stomach and the fluttering of the heart, suspects that these ideas, fantasies, and thoughts would be more fulfilling of they were real. Part of her has come to terms with the fact that there's something unsatisfying about living vicariously through her imagination, something exhausting about imagining the feeling of arms wrapping around her as opposed to simply being held.

*     *     *


Sunday, January 7, 2018

Why I'm Still An Engineer

Hi, I'm a third year university student majoring in Mechanical Engineering. I want to talk about that.

I'll preface this by declaring my extreme distaste for the subject of engineering. It's difficult and, in my opinion, uninteresting. That being said, I refuse to change majors. From the very beginning of college, way before it was "too late" to switch, I knew that I couldn't quit. For one thing, I had my parents to consider. You should see the pride in their eyes when they tell people that their little girl is an engineering student. But it's more than that. The reason they wanted me to study engineering in the first place is job security. Regardless of my complete and utter disinterest in the subject, engineering practically guarantees me some sort of well-paying job. My parents have provided me endless comforts since I was born, and a time will come when I will need to return the favor. At some point in the future, I'm going to need the kind of financial security that provides me with enough time and money to take care of them. In a more immediate sense, I want them to have fewer worries about me. If me studying engineering takes some weight off their shoulders, then I will study engineering. I'll complain, but I'll do it.

There's also a part of this that acts as a sort of feminist statement. I want to contribute to the increasing number of women who graduate with STEM degrees, even though I'm only increasing that number by one. I want to defy gender stereotypes and stick it to any asshole who thinks that girls aren't smart enough to be engineers. One of the main reasons that I stubbornly refused whenever my friends suggested that I quit engineering has to do with pride. If I quit, people would think I was just some dumb girl who couldn't keep up with those guys who blab all day about car engines and Elon Musk. I may not give a shit about turbines or robots, but rest assured, it's not because I'm not smart enough to understand them.

Besides, I don't really have a good reason to quit. Yeah, it's hard, but it's not so hard that I'm failing or anything. People always say I should quit because I don't like it. Personally, I think people my age focus too much on passion and happiness when it comes to careers. They think that because they only have one shot at life that they need to spend it pursuing something that brings them joy. While it's very nice to imagine a life where you don't work a day because you love your job, it's unrealistic. More than that, it's kind of childish. Maybe even selfish--depending on your situation. Quitting engineering because "I don't like it" is immature and irresponsible, especially when considering the plethora of benefits that come with obtaining an engineering degree. Sometimes in life, you need to make sacrifices. And those sacrifices don't mean that I can't be happy. I spend my free time doing all the things I love! But it's impractical to expect complete happiness all the time. If everyone constantly pursued their hedonistic desires, we wouldn't have a functioning society. A huge part of life involves doing things you don't want to do. I may be wrong (I am a mere twenty year-old child, after all), but I think a huge part of growing up is accepting that fact.

This final reason may not seem like the most important motive for my persistence, but it is to me: I want to prove to myself that I can graduate with a degree in engineering. I want to prove that I have the brains, the willpower, and the discipline to see this thing through to the end--despite my hatred for the subject. Long story short, I do not intend on leaving college until whoever is in charge of torturing us engineers looks me in the eye, shakes my hand, and gives me my damn degree.


Monday, January 1, 2018

Written On A Lonely Day in September

In the past year, I've grown comfortable, maybe even enthusiastic, about living by myself when I'm older. Thoughts of a cozy apartment in some downtown area fill my imagination. Picturing myself spending endless hours in my own place drawing, reading, playing piano, practicing yoga, writing--it excites me. I had such a clear vision of what I wanted, but today I spend eight hours completely alone. Yes, it was quiet, and I was free to do whatever I pleased, but I felt unexpectedly lonely. Unexpected for me, anyway. Other people anticipate this kind of loneliness--fear it, even. The problem wasn't that I was bored or looking for someone to talk to. At least, I don't think I was looking for someone to talk to. It just would've been nice to have company. Someone sitting around with me, doing his or her own thing. Maybe that way my lazy afternoon wouldn't have felt like solitary confinement.

There's this idea in my head that wanting or needing other people is weak. Logically I know that it's just human, but I can't resist this desire to prove a point: that I can provide myself with everything I could ever need or want, that I am enough for myself. Because that's the definition of independence, right? The simplest one, anyway. Perhaps independence involves more complexity than I give it credit for. It wouldn't be outlandish to believe that it's beyond the scope of my current understanding. After all, I'm young. Not to mention that it's impossible to know everything about this extremely involved world we live in.

So I acknowledge that I may be wrong, that I may need other people in my life. Didn't I already know that on some level? I know for a fact that I couldn't get by without my closer friends. And who knows what I would do without my mother. But if I'm being honest with myself, that's not what I'm talking about, is it? The real question is, will I eventually need to be in a relationship to be happy? When I'm old and on my own--no longer in constant contact with my friends and family--will I need to have some form of significant other who I know will always be there for me?

Even now I'm thinking that I would learn to take care of myself and become stronger because of it. Is that realistic? And if it is, is that necessary? It kind of seems like the harder route. Although, establishing complete trust and intimacy with someone sounds impossible. Maybe it's just me. I just can't understand how people manage to trust each other so wholesomely. People are so complex on their own, that it's irrational to expect such a pure and simple bond to exist between them.

I guess they trust because they have hope. Letting myself have hope against all odds--is that stupid? Or does that involve a type of bravery that I can't yet comprehend?


Sunday, April 16, 2017

Umbrella-Less Bitch

"Oh" shaped lips and a wide-eyed stare,
She cocks her hips and flips her hair.

The boys rush over to carry her things,
Just to get close to the girl of their dreams.

She hands off her work at the end of each week
With a hug and a smile and a kiss on the cheek.

It's been quite sometime since she's bought her own drink
'Cause checkbooks come out whenever she winks.

Then one fateful day, her eyes lost their glow,
And for the first time in years, she heard the word "no".

She swayed her hips, but the men ceased to come.
She puckered her lips, but they merely went numb.

No matter how much she batted her eyes,
She couldn't get love from any nice guys.

She giggled and flirted as much as she could,
But over and over it did her no good.

Time slipped by and she failed to learn
That what she wants she has to earn.

She carries no umbrella, even in the rain.
To this day, she waits there in vain
For a nice young boy to bear her brunt.
I hate that girl. She's such a cunt.

* * *

'Lil bit of poetry for you there. Hope you like it.


Saturday, April 15, 2017

Recent Obsessions (Spring 2017)

Honestly, this blog is all over the place. But if it's meant to be a representation of me, then I suppose this works. Sometimes I want to write about emotional ambivalence, and other times I want to write about raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. In no particular order, here are my recent obsessions.

The 1975. I first listened to their stuff when I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware if it came out because Dodie Clark a.k.a. doddleoddle a.k.a. an amazing YouTuber and musician started raving about it nonstop. It was one of those situations where I thought the album was good but didn't really vibe with it, so I didn't give it much more than that initial listen. A few months later I started just listening to it as I did homework and came to really appreciate every note and lyric. Fast forward a year, and I find myself absolutely obsessed with the entire album and their first album The 1975. Ugh. (Or should I say UGH!) Just the way Matty Healy croons when he sings makes me want to stab myself a thousand times. And those first few notes in "Robbers" pull on my heart every damn time.
Avatar: The Last Airbender. I've loved this show for years, but a video of Zuko and Azula's agni kai during Sozin's Comet popped up on my Facebook feed a few weeks ago and reignited (ba dum cha) my love for the entire show. First of all can we discuss the genius that is Zuko's character arc? His entire internal struggle with his moral compass is so complex and well-written--not to mention his incredible determination and relentless drive. He yearns to learn more and prove his worth, so he gets off his ass and does it. Beyond that, all of Team Avatar is just so inspirational. They all developed this absolutely fucking fantastic mastery of their skills. Their work ethics are just so admirable. On a related note, I've also been loving @punziella's fan art. I found her through Yuri On Ice fan art, but she also does ATLA stuff and it's ridiculously cool.
Converse High-Tops. I'm up to three pairs now: pink, yellow, and pale blue (which just so happen to be the colors of the pansexuality flag--an incredible accident). Let me preface this by saying I'm obsessed with the movie Edge of Seventeen and Hailee Steinfeld's look. The black sheer tights with the funky sneakers are the definition of cool. It's getting a little warm for sheer tights (but trust me, I was wearing them all winter), so I've been doing what I can with obnoxiously vibrant high tops. I love walking around in them and pretending I'm dramatically stomping out my angst. Okay, maybe sometimes I'm not pretending. Whatever. Let's move on.
Dan and Phil. It's no secret that I love these two. I've been a hardcore phangirl for three years now (where the hell has my life gone?), but lately I swear they're fucking with us. I mean for fucks sake they post multiple videos per week now, Dan's over here doing fan service for the lols, and can we talk about their goddamn insta posts and tweets? What is this domestic shit? Cute vacation updates from Phil? And Dan Howell you can't just go around posting mirror selfies like that whenever you please? It's extremely rude?
Yoga. As of recent, I've been taking yoga more seriously. I really want to advance in my practice--improve my mental health, become stronger, learn cool tricks. This past February, I made it a priority to do yoga every day, and although it was hard to squeeze it into my schedule every day, the results were worth the effort. My confidence skyrocketed because my physical health was taken care of, and my energy was up, which made me incredibly productive. As of now, I'm working on gaining strength. I've been working towards becoming a good example of a strong, independent woman, and for me, part of that is acquiring physical strength. You always here that a girl needs a strong guy to protect her. I used to think so too, but I don't buy that anymore. My well-being should not be reliant on other people. I want to take on that responsibility.. Don't get me wrong, I'm not under the illusion that I could kick anyone's ass in a fight, but making an effort to minimize my weaknesses feels like a step in the right direction. And I just want to do awesome shit. I want to stand on my head and walk around on my hands and do standing splits. All of those things are currently in the works--I'll keep you updated.

That's all for now, folks. Talk to you soon.


Tuesday, April 11, 2017


(NC-17, trigger warning)

            She treats me like shit. I failed to realize that at first. Call it naivete, but for some time my faith in her seemed undying. I genuinely believed she wanted me to have the best, to be the best. Fucking hate how I’m constantly wrong. That woman despises me. She conditioned me to drown myself in disbelief whenever loved ones showered me with affection. Here I thought she wanted to protect me from vulnerability, but I see now that she just didn’t want anyone coaxing me away from her. She trained me to yearn for a superiority that she hid from me because she knew that if she could shroud me in failure that I’d never leave her. She’s locked me in this goddamn room to shield me from danger but she’s done nothing but destroy me since I fucking got here.
            Every day this woman makes me grit my teeth harder and force my nails deeper into my palms. Before, I just hated how she didn’t let me have friends, how she kept me from being a normal child who laughs and tells secrets and hugs—oh god I remember those. I miss those. As I got older, I resented the way she constantly hovered around me, watching and judging every flick of my wrist, every bat of my eye. Eventually I even grew to despise her short steps, her curt gestures, her sharp breaths. Each and every aspect of her existence made me want to kill myself. And she ran such a tight ship. I couldn’t get away with shit. One slouch or smile or sigh and I was a goner; never quite as gone as I hoped for, though.
            But lately, she’s slipping. Maybe it’s wishful seeing, but each of her steps, blinks, sighs, seems less deliberate somehow. Like her guard’s coming down. Or she’s tired. I mean we’re both tired, aren’t we? She hasn’t taken it out of me, though—not yet, not anytime soon. At least for now, I’ve still got it, that something, and I intend to use it before she drains me of it. Every time she blinks and leaves her eyes shut for that one extra sliver of a moment, it grows inside of me, gets stronger, and convinces me escape is a possibility.
            Surely freedom exists in my future. It must, right? A scenario in which I’m happy must reside in the near future. And a life—a real life—is surely waiting for me somewhere. I will get out of here, and I will find it. Won’t I?
            I almost can’t remember a time where I wasn’t here—in this room she keeps me in. I’ve become hyper aware of any and all details of this room, though I suppose that happens when you watch time pass through an isolated space. See, at first I considered the room quite plain. Even under close inspection, I found nothing but a dull beige sucking the life out of every corner. Everything blended together such that details—individual nuances, unique flaws—appeared nonexistent. But monotony is a masterful disguise, and over the years, little treasures slowly revealed themselves like creatures hesitantly emerging from their shadowy hideaways: the startling squeak of the bed frame, the scratches that litter the bookshelf, the splotches that pattern the worn carpet. As of now, I’ve counted all the cracks on the walls and can tell you exactly which ones propagate up to the ceiling. I know how many times the bed squeaks when I climb in every night and how many times it groans when I crawl out every morning. I know which stains look like countries and old presidents and which ones are nothing more than formless blobs.
            But make no mistake, I’m not so naïve that I’d say I know everything about this room—I don’t. As time goes on, I will see more and more things with new yet older eyes. And although I desperately want to get out of here, part me wonders if anything worthwhile awaits my discovery.
            With three squeaks and a groan from my bed frame, I settle under my old blankets for the night, tracing my fingers along the cheap fabric. When I first got here, these blankets stank of stale sweat and felt like a disappointing newspaper-rag hybrid, but they’re not so bad anymore. They’re gently layered with my scent and have softened in their old age. I suppose time and its wear have their benefits. With any luck, they’ll assist me in my escape. Just this once, I allow a smile to skip over my lips at the thought as my eyelids sink shut. Breathe in. Breathe out.
*          *          *
            Colors rush past me as my feet urgently pound against the ground, fueled by an energy that feels nostalgic. I draw power from the vibrant blues and greens and golds that surround me. I haven’t seen those colors in years. The faster I move, the more colors I see, and soon I’m enveloped in swirls of orange and pink and yellow flecks, so I run faster and faster—chasing this contagious warmth. Reds and purples fly by and evolve into rich blues and deep greys. The colors stop moving as my feet come to a standstill, suddenly numb with fascination. Calm. There’s a certain pain in my chest, but I feel incredibly calm somehow. In some strange way, the weight feels natural. At some point, I find myself lying down, absorbing the grey.
            My eyelids sink shut. Breathe in. A hand slithers up my thigh while a ghastly breath crawls over my neck. Fingers leave a trail of goosebumps as they obnoxiously saunter up my waist towards my chest. My breath hitches, and every part of my body simultaneously tenses and contracts inwards in a painful cringe as the hand presses into my crotch. My eyes snap open and fall upon his wrinkled brow and scrunched up nose. With a distant yet invasive voice he croons, “Relax honey, you’re in safe hands. You trust me, don’t you?”
            Before I even form a response, I notice my clothes being removed—dissipating into the dark grey abyss at his every touch. Frozen. My hands and my mouth and my legs lock in place, and I internally curse them for failing me again. Staring blankly ahead, I will the end to approach quickly. I desperately try to remember the colors: the pinks and yellows from the time before. In a numbing, frantic delirium I attempt to convince myself that I wanted this. I wanted it. I asked for it.
            There are fingers inside of me. There are fucking fingers inside of me and they’re writhing and I’m screaming and they’re writhing and I’M SCREAMING.
            I slam my eyes shut to try to block it out, to block him out—him and his too big, repulsive face and his sweaty hands. I squeeze my eyelids together tighter and tighter until everything turns black. Breathe out.
*          *          *
            The world around me retires to its usual beige, and I remember why I’m here. I’m damp with the memory of a different pain and the acknowledgement that she does protect me. She separates me from people because people don’t want me. They want what they can get from me. They do nothing but invade and exploit because they’re selfish.

            All these years, and I’m still ridiculously naïve. I tighten my grip on my blankets and lament that somehow I’ve grown more ignorant with time. To think I wanted to go back to that hellhole where reds and blacks reign in a predatory rage. To think I forgot about the safety that comes with living in a faded world. I came here for a reason, and a good one at that.

This is the first time I've written fiction in over a year, but I'm glad to be back at it. Hope you like it! I'm writing every day in April, so hopefully there's more to come.

Poorly drawn digital art by yours truly.

Also, not based on personal experience so no need to worry about me.


Friday, October 28, 2016

Look How Cute My Socks Are

I want to claw my arms off
And scratch this evil itch.
But I smile with my eyes
And pretend that I am fine.

I swear to you they hate me.
They want me to disappear.
But I smile with my eyes
And pretend that I am fine.

This entire thing is stupid.
I'm just wasting my time.
But I smile with my eyes
And pretend that I am fine.

Sleep is the best part of my day.
That's kind of sad isn't it?
But I'll smile with my eyes
And pretend that I am fine.

I'm all alone in this world.
What's the point of existing?
I'll just smile with my eyes
And pretend that I am fine.

Please just take me back.
My life here is pathetic.
Smile with your eyes.
Pretend that you are fine.

You're fine.
I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Nothingness pulses through my body,
But I'm smiling with my eyes.
I'm mastering the art of pretending to be fine.

* * *

Sorry for being an emo poet (and a below average one, at that). It's been a rough week and these words randomly came to me in the shower, so I figured I'd get them down.

Happy Halloweekend!